Say What You Mean: The Communication Problem Showing Up in Coaching Sessions
There is a pattern showing up in coaching sessions that has nothing to do with the coaching itself. Clients are vaguer, harder to pin down, quicker to deflect. Getting a direct answer out of people is harder than it used to be, and the effects are landing in the room whether coaches are ready for them or not.
In this episode of The Coaching Clinic, John Ball and Angie unpack why direct communication is eroding, what is driving it, and why coaches, of all people, cannot afford to let it slide in their own practice.
The conversation gets personal. John connects the topic to his own experience of staying quiet about his identity for fear of making others uncomfortable, and the broader principle it points to: keeping yourself small to protect other people's feelings is not kindness. It is a slow tax on your effectiveness.
What you will take away from this episode:
- Why avoidance and indirect communication are showing up more frequently inside coaching sessions
- The difference between being direct and being abrasive, and why conflating them weakens coaches
- How to frame challenging questions so clients feel safe enough to go deeper
- When to push and when to read the room and ease off
- Why social media culture may be partly responsible for the erosion of honest conversation
- How a coach's own willingness to say the uncomfortable thing directly shapes what clients are willing to bring to sessions
- John's personal reflection on staying quiet to protect others' comfort, and what it cost him
CHAPTERS:
00:00 The Challenge of Direct Communication
02:53 The Impact of Technology on Communication
05:33 Navigating Vulnerability in Coaching
08:28 The Fear of Being Direct
11:25 Authenticity in Coaching Conversations
14:24 Outro
FAQ SECTION
Frequently Asked Questions
Why are coaching clients becoming more avoidant and indirect in their communication?
John Ball and Angie discuss on The Coaching Clinic that avoidance in coaching sessions reflects a broader cultural shift rather than a coaching-specific problem. They identify increased reliance on text-based communication, the erosion of direct conversation through technology, and the chilling effect of social media pile-ons as contributing factors. Clients who have been burned by direct expression or who have absorbed cultural norms around indirect communication bring those patterns into the session. The result is deflection, resistance when challenged, and a reluctance to say what is actually on their mind.
What is the difference between being direct and being abrasive as a coach?
Angie addresses this distinction on The Coaching Clinic, noting that many people equate directness with aggression because they have experienced directness delivered badly. Being abrasive typically involves accusatory framing, false sweetness wrapped around a criticism, or a bluntness that disregards the other person's state. Being direct means saying what is true clearly and without evasion, while still holding the relationship. John Ball adds that trying to soften every uncomfortable truth does not protect the client; it weakens the coach's position and reduces the quality of the work.
How should coaches frame difficult or sensitive questions to keep clients engaged?
John Ball shares a specific approach on The Coaching Clinic: when a client mentions something emotionally charged in passing, flag it without forcing it. His framing is to name what the client said, acknowledge it may or may not be comfortable to explore, and ask directly whether they want to go there. This gives the client agency while keeping the topic alive. Angie adds that coaches should set expectations at the start of the relationship that sessions may go to uncomfortable places, while acknowledging that clients cannot always anticipate what that will feel like until it happens.
How does a coach know when to push a client harder and when to back off?
Angie's position on The Coaching Clinic is that coaches need to actively monitor the client's discomfort level rather than pressing consistently regardless of response. She suggests treating discomfort as a dial rather than a binary: pushing a client to an eight out of ten without recognising it and adjusting will damage trust and rapport. The skill is in reading the signals that a client is approaching their limit and navigating differently, rather than stopping entirely. John Ball echoes this, noting that clients who have asked to be challenged still need to retain the right to indicate when something is too much for that session.
Why does staying silent to avoid making others uncomfortable weaken a coach's effectiveness?
John Ball reflects on this directly in The Coaching Clinic, connecting it to his own experience of not mentioning his identity or his husband in professional contexts to avoid making others uncomfortable. His conclusion is that self-censorship in any form keeps you small and reduces your authenticity. Applied to coaching, a coach who avoids saying the uncomfortable thing, who softens every challenge, who withholds a direct observation to protect the relationship, is coaching with one hand tied behind their back. Authentic, direct communication is not a style preference; it is a professional standard.
Want to contact the show? You can leave us a voicemail. It's free to do, and we might feature you on our next episode. All you need to do is go to https://speakpipe.com/thecoachingclinicpodcast and leave us a message. You can also find our clips and full episodes on the exclusive Coaching Clinic YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@coachingclinicpodcast
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Transcript
Angie.
Angie (:John.
John Ball (:Have you ever noticed some how hard it is sometimes to get somebody to give you a direct answer on things?
Angie (:I'm gonna control my energy today because you and I have started this con. Yes, heavy, hard, yes, ⁓ a thousand times, yes. ⁓
John Ball (:It seems
that everybody is so worried about upsetting or offending everyone else, and nobody wants to deal with the fallout of their own consequences that ghosting has just become the norm. And ⁓ I think it's not good enough. How about you?
Angie (:Yeah.
I think it is creating a very broken line of communication. I'm gonna say it kindly for the show.
John Ball (:I agree.
This is something that coaches need to at least think about, perhaps even address for ourselves and our clients. So let's open the coaching clinic.
Angie (:Yeah.
Absolutely right on.
John Ball (:Angie, go we we both have a lot of thoughts and feelings on this topic because like everyone else, we've had plenty of experience of this, how people are very often very reluctant to really say what's actually on their mind.
Angie (:Say what you mean. And here's the thing. It's not, let's let's start at kind of the baseline of that. It's not just because it's coaching, like a coaching relationship or an interaction. You know what I think it's showing up there. So we have to back back that out a little bit and say, wait a second. You know, maybe it's because we I I don't know. I could I I could go like 30 different ways with this. It could potentially be that we're just ⁓ more out of practice.
Because we are more reliant with technology. We're very used to connecting now via tapping the keyboard or tapping on the phone, you know, through Slack, like through Teams, like you know, whatever that is. Like we've we've I don't know, have we evolved in terms of communication? I have a question mark there. Has it helped us or has it challenged us? Because what I'm observing in general, right, in life.
Is absolutely cascading into my sessions, which is that people are, I don't know if it's a like okay. Inherently there's avoidance at times in coaching sessions, right? Sometimes when things get tough, right, clients will go into avoidance and they will push back and make up every reason in the book why this isn't working or something. There's a resistance. But I also think the there's an overarching, which is what you and I were talking about today.
John Ball (:Yes.
Angie (:an overarching theme where having direct conversations isn't happening. It's showing up in our sessions. So I mean it is at least in mine.
John Ball (:Yeah, I th I think there is an element to where we have to consider what are the elements that make communication effective and what actually weakens our communication. And and for me, I I'm with you that I feel that we're on a path where communication is generally being weakened. It's being watered down to become bland and inoffensive or ⁓ no un unreactive. And it is a form of avoidance. It is a form of avoidance.
Angie (:Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
John Ball (:Actually got when you were always speaking, I was thinking about a book I read a few years back, and I have to go and check it again, but I think it's called Not Nice. And it was ultimately all about how we're all worried about not coming across as nice people. we all want to we all want everyone to think that we're nice. But that doesn't mean no being assertive doesn't mean you're not nice. Or nice isn't this isn't always the same as liked or respected.
Angie (:Okay.
John Ball (:It's it's something like trying to be nice about everything is actually weakening our position. Whereas I think I have much more respect for people who are more direct in their communication. One of the reasons I love you, Angie, is like you're you know you're more direct in your communication. I try to be myself, and I'm often willing to be that person who says the uncomfortable thing. And I think every coach really.
Angie (:Sure.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
John Ball (:If we challenge ourselves and test ourselves in this, we should be the person who is willing to say the uncomfortable thing, especially with our clients.
Angie (:Yeah, I think there's a very big gap for people too. I think that part of the issue is that some people truly believe that being direct means being abrasive. And I and they learn that because there are people in general experien think about this for yourselves. Anyone who's listening, think about a time when somebody said to you,
Well, I was just being direct, and you're like thinking it didn't feel that way. It felt abrasive, it felt accusational, it felt like you wrapped up whatever it was you were trying to convey, right, in sugar ⁓ to make it sound better and it didn't, right? I mean, people can identify saccharin, right? Fake sweet. They can identify that very quickly.
And that's why we know, like, wait a minute, that isn't exactly true. And that I think does retrain people to to to approach direct communication very differently. ⁓ and so again, inherently without the issues of technology and how communication has changed slash air quote evolved, you know, yes, people can tend to avoid certain things. However, also if people are not willing to come to a session.
And be as transparent or vulnerable as possible, even if it's over a period of time, that is absolutely going to affect the outcomes that they receive with your coaching. And with that type of environment, the more you ⁓ poke and prod, the more resistant you might be, you know, you might be might be dealing with. so what do you do as a coach, right? First.
Set the place. Like you have to always create safety. John and I have talked about that. It needs to feel safe for people. And I know a lot of people are like cringing when they hear us say that, but if it's like going to a doctor, you feel safe when you walk into that doctor's office and you disrobe. It's like it's supposed to be this way. ⁓ it's kind of the same thing, but you know, a little different, right? It's more like a mental disrobing, if you will. And we we have to provide that space.
John Ball (:Yeah.
Look,
I I think probably a commonly shared experience for all of us is being on social media and ⁓ and and you see what happens when people express express opinions on there and I think this maybe is part of the root cause, ⁓ not the only thing, but part of it, of how often I I think for myself, how often I just don't th I'm not gonna waste energy expressing myself or commenting or
Angie (:Mm.
John Ball (:posting about this, even though it seems important, because you know how much pushback or just of offensive mis ms shit you'll get, you know, you're gonna you any kind of opinion, there will be pushback if you if you go ahead and express that. And though sometimes those opinions will have massive pushbacks. Sometimes it even end up with people threatening you. ⁓ and and it's it's I know it's gone it's gone even further than in some online cases.
Angie (:⁓ yeah.
Yes.
John Ball (:And and I do think that's part of what has stoked up this fear. Like we're also afraid of fully expressing ourselves online because we see what happens when we do or when other people do. And that has that has transferred over into other aspects of of life as well. We also see how how much yeah. No, but we see how much people, ⁓ like especially younger generations, are are unwilling to communicate directly. They will type stuff out.
Angie (:Yeah, yeah.
Well, we're relearning ⁓ go ahead, so sorry.
John Ball (:But they're also kind of pretty careful about it because everyone's worried about being misinterpreted or misunderstood. They wouldn't rather just go on a call. They just avoid.
Angie (:Right. Some people just avoid. They're like, I can't even be bothered. I'm not,
I'm not jumping in. I'm not conveying opinion. I'm not, I'm not. I'm not participating anymore. And I and it does translate. So again, how do you how do you manage that or navigate that when you're in a session, when you experience that?
John Ball (:With clients, I I worry less about it because I I'm always gonna frame stuff up with them. And so if I'm gonna ask something that I know, like I actually had that session that this week, I had to say to a client, they mentioned something in the session. and I'm not gonna go into into details, but it was something emotional, something that was was affecting them emotionally. And they kind of said it in passing. And I thought I made a mental tab of that. I said, We're gonna come back to that.
Angie (:Mm.
Mm.
John Ball (:So I did. And I came back to you and said, look, there's something you mentioned earlier, and you may feel c you may feel okay talking about it, you may not. So I want to check in. Here's what you said. Is this something you would like to explore? And he said yes. And we went deeper into it. And and it was it was leading to an emotional breakthrough. Like he's having big discovery time this year in our working together. And and it actually helped to lead him to something of an emotional breakthrough. And you can see that emotional stuff was coming up on on the call. But it was really important because it's stuff that
Hadn't actually been dealt with. But with that framing, with that sort of framing, I was just saying, you don't have to talk about this. I know it might be sensitive, but I think it could be good. What do you think? Who's going to get offended by that? Is this especially when this is a client who had asked me specifically to push him to go deeper on our sessions? It's like, okay, we're going to do that. But if it gets to a point where it's like you can't handle it or you need to break or whatever, you have to say that. You can't just say, all right.
Angie (:Sure.
Yes.
John Ball (:Well I've given you full carte blanche. So that's that that was a good example.
Angie (:and I don't think they even know though,
so sometimes, John. To be honest, like when we you and I know we both do this. I know this is a practice that we both do. We give people at the very beginning, we lay down, you know, we give them a lay of the land, what it can look like, and we ask for vulnerability and we ask for transparency. But you know what? I think that in the beginning, ⁓ unless somebody is has is somebody that has gone through coaching, they may not have even gone through the type of coaching that you're about to give to them, right? That you that you will be administering, if you will.
You know, ⁓ and I think that sometimes even if their intention is, yes, I want to be challenged, okay. And when they are, they they are like, this is very different than what I anticipated or what I envisioned. And again, we have to navigate that and say, Okay, well, let me try to meet them where they're at, let me understand it as best I can because
John Ball (:Yeah.
Angie (:Sometimes they're in a little bit of shock. I mean, would you agree that that can potentially be a challenge?
John Ball (:Yeah, hundred hundred percent. Yeah. people don't always know how to deal with this stuff. People people get uncomfortable having these sorts of conversations. But you know, all all of this is actually actually does f relate to something else that's been on my mind this week. ⁓ because you know, we're kind of in in Pride Month and sort of been seeing some Pride posts and decided to do one myself th this week as well about my own sort of experience of ⁓ of of coming out and ⁓ and it felt kinda shocker, right? Big shock.
Angie (:Mm.
What? You're gay? I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm
joking.
John Ball (:But
but one of the things that one of the things I was thinking about with that was how how many times in my life that I've kept un things under wraps or just kept things to myself because I've been worried about what other people would think. I've been worried about making other people uncomfortable. And all it's ever led me to do is keep myself small, to keep myself, you know, sort of locked in. Not not as such in the closet, you know, I'm not gonna go back in there there for anyone.
Angie (:Mm.
Sure.
John Ball (:⁓
but but to just keep all right, I'm not gonna mention anything, I'm not gonna talk about my husband because it might make somebody else uncomfortable. I'm not gonna you're not gonna talk about my life or my identity because it might make someone else uncomfortable. And I'm just at a s maybe it's a bit of age and experience and all those things, but I'm just at a stage in life whereas I I'm not gonna I'm not prepared to do that anymore. I am not gonna live my life in a way where I'm worried about other people feeling uncomfortable. If you're uncomfortable, that's
Angie (:Sure.
Right.
John Ball (:A you problem and we can talk about it, but I'm not going to keep myself small. So I think the same principle applies for us as coaches. If we are not, if we are not having those direct conversations, if we are not communicating authentically, we are keeping ourselves small. We are keeping ourselves less effective. We are not being true and authentic. And that is weakening our ability to coach effectively.
Angie (:Absolutely.
Absolutely. And I think that the answer for us is to what we said, right? We have to set an expectation. However, even we can even say to clients, and listen, you may not know what you don't know. You haven't yet experienced me. You might have had what you consider to be direct or challenging coaching before, or you've had nothing. So I understand that your expectations might be not my may not be met or
You might be like, ooh, what is this? And the only thing that you can encourage is I need you to be direct with me and say, that really feels like I don't want to go there. I don't, you know, like you said, you gave this person the option. Hey, you said this, this is what you said. Do you want to go back to it? But we have to again, we have to know, I think, too, when it's time to continue poking and prodding.
And when it's time to retreat. We have to look for the signs and signals because obviously if we make somebody, you know, uncomfortable at an eight out of 10 and we don't even recognize it, that is not going to be conducive to you know building more rapport, building more trust with them. And we have to know when to kind of like tap the brakes and and just not stop, but you know, navigate differently than we have. I think that's important to recognize and encourage.
John Ball (:Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Angie (:it to be like I don't care what you do and say in the rest of your world right now, but in this space, what I open up is full. Like you can I want you to come here and maybe say the things you don't say or wouldn't say. Because I'm curious as to is that different? Do they behave differently within a session than they do in the real world? I'm I'm very curious about that. Yeah.
John Ball (:Yeah, me too. It may be
maybe that we need to return to the provocative coaching conversation at some time in the future as well. Angie, this is a really good topic. I think we've actually covered it really pretty extensively today. But our listener may have some thoughts on it and we'd love to hear from you if you have. You're about to hear exactly how you can leave us a message and get in touch with the show. And we would absolutely love to hear from you. And we will be back next week. Angie will be back next week with a special topic for you.
Angie (:Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
